Responding to domestic abuse

Three ghosts that still haunt the Church – and marriages

Posted by Becky Watson Lee on 12 January 2026

A decade later, and I believe that these three ghosts are still very dominant in our churches. And whilst Jen Wilkin focuses on the impact that this can have on women’s roles within church communities, I believe it is also true that these ghosts can contribute to a culture in which domestic abuse is tolerated, covered up and even encouraged. Let’s examine how these ghosts have spread and taken up residence in Christian homes and marriages too, with terrible consequences. 

The usurper

As we hear stories from members of our Survivors Network, it is sadly a common theme that perpetrators weaponise teaching on men and women, headship and submission. Perpetrators demand unflinching submission to their own wants, needs and preferences, all under the guise of God-given authority. We have heard accounts of:

• Women who are accused of disloyalty and disrespect when they have a different opinion from their husband
• Women who are threatened with anger and violence when disagreeing with their husband
• Women whose opinion is only listened to when it has received external approval from a male in authority 
• Women who are told they are not allowed to work because their role is to keep on top of the housework
• Women who have been told by church pastors that they are too ‘loud’ and need to be quiet in order to be a good wife

These experiences are the result of a false belief about women being usurpers, trying to topple a husband’s authority. Jen Wilkin argues that, instead, women should be treated as allies and teammates. In the church and in marriages, women should be treated as equal image-bearers, whose voice, opinion, giftings, and intellect all matter. 

The temptress

A perpetrator’s belief in their God-given authority often results in dominance over their wife’s bodies. Women are reduced to sexual commodities, there to shut up and put out whenever their husband chooses. Perpetrators might again misuse passages like 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 to justify this abuse. Simultaneously, perpetrators can often feel unfounded jealousy, and seek to control their wives’ interactions with other men. We have heard accounts of:

• Women being told what they can and cannot wear – often in highly sexualised clothes at home, and very covered up outside the home
• Women being forbidden from having male friends
• Women having their movements tracked on their phones, or having their phones and emails searched, and then interrogated about any contact with a man
• Women accused of ‘making herself look available’ when talking to other men at church
• Women accused of flirting or even having affairs, and subsequently experiencing extreme anger or violence 

These experiences stem from a false belief that women are temptresses , absolving men of any responsibility for self control over sexual desires. Jen Wilkin says that instead, women should be treated as sisters – fully rounded human beings of equal worth to their husbands. Sexuality is just one aspect of a woman’s identity, and should not be under the control of a man. Instead a man should treat a woman with total respect, honour and commitment to her flourishing, putting her needs and desires before his own.

The child

Sadly, we hear many stories of perpetrators misusing 1 Peter 3:7, describing women as the ‘weaker partner’, as an excuse to infantilise, disrespect and mistreat their wives. They do not heed Peter’s instruction to be considerate and caring of their wives, recognising that they are equal heirs of life through Christ. We have heard accounts of:

• Women who are patronised, humiliated and insulted by their husbands who call them weak, stupid, or irrational
• Women who have become mistrustful of their own ability to make decisions, because their husbands have told them they make bad decisions and so make all the decisions for them
• Women being given an allowance or pocket money by their husbands and then forced to provide receipts and full accounts of any spending
• Women whose opinions are dismissed as silly or too emotional
• Women who have been gaslighted, believing that they are going mad and that they have the problem that needs fixing

These experiences are degrading and come from a functional belief in the fundamental inequality of men and women. Jen Wilkin says that women should be treated as co-labourers and co-heirs, as that is who we are made by God to be. God has designed marriage and churches to be pictures of life in His kingdom – full of grace, love, respect and flourishing. Infantilising women in this way does not mirror the way of the kingdom.