'The Bible Doesn't Tell Me So': An interview with Helen Paynter

What was the inspiration behind the book?

In 2019, Helen was part of a podcast series called #SheToo, which was about stories of violence against women in the Bible. She later received an email from a listener who had recently left an abuser after decades of marriage. She asked Helen a string of questions, but they all came down to one: ‘Why does the Bible tell me I’ve got to put up with this?’

After Helen explained that, actually, you don’t have to put up with this, the woman replied, ‘I wish I’d known this sooner.’ 

So Helen set out to write the book that could've changed this woman’s story if she’d read it a decade earlier.

During her research, Helen was shocked and heartbroken by what she discovered as she spoke to survivors. Not only did she learn that domestic abuse is as common inside the church as it is in wider society, but she also discovered ‘a whole load of ways in which the bible is being weaponised.’

What does the Bible say is God’s heart for those who are abused and oppressed?

Helen explains that God's heart for women is woven through both testaments. We discover the value of every person right from the beginning, when men and women are equally made in God's image (Genesis 1:27), and this continues in the way Jesus treats women with dignity and respect, often going against the culture to do so. She notes that Jesus' anger is only recorded a couple of times, but it happens when he sees people being abused or manipulated.

God cares deeply for those who are oppressed and marginalised. More than this, he's a God who has shared our experience of pain. Helen reminds us that Jesus shared so much of what so many victims of domestic abuse experience. During his life he was lied about, physically abused, and eventually stripped naked and shamed.

How do we understand forgiveness in the context of abuse?

Helen highlights that forgiveness doesn’t mean a relationship has to go back to what it was. It doesn’t equate to an abuser coming back into the home. Forgiveness is choosing not to take vengeance, it’s not the same as participating in a civil process. The perpetrator being separated from the person they are harming doesn’t mean that forgiveness cannot take place. Forgiveness does not mean putting yourself in harm’s way again.

Towards the end of Helen's book are chapters addressed to survivors, church leaders, and even abusers themselves. What is her message for these groups?

‘In your better moments, you probably don’t want to do this.' Helen speaks powerfully and directly to perpetrators, urging them to take steps to make sure it never happens again, because these moments of regret won't last.

There's a link to the whole interview between Helen and Bekah at the end of this blog, including her full message to perpetrators. She also answers an important question in the Q&A section about why some leaders find it so difficult to speak out about domestic violence.

But we want to leave you with Helen's message of hope for survivors:

'God loves you so very much and you are so very precious. It is never his intention that you should be harmed like this. Know that you do not have to put up with this. Know that God is on your side and not on the side of someone who hurts you.'